Co to miłość?

2007-06-21T11:56:00.001-07:00

Co to miłość? Zastanawiam się nad tym szczególnie teraz bo spotkałem Dimę. On jest naprawdę super, ale ja chcę być pewny że to co mamy, to naprawdę coś wartego i wielkiego. Powiedziałem Mu że kocham Go, i On mi również powiedział że mnie kocha (ale tak, po angielski, ‘love you’). No i co z tego? Rozważam nad tym, bo jeszcze nie znam Go jako osobę; kiedy spotykamy się (tylko trzy razy!) to mówimy o pracy albo całujemy się – to oczywiście super. Ale chcę Go poznać, tak jak On jest, jako osobę. Chciałbym poznać Jego marzenia, Jego cel w życiu, Jego lęki i radości. Rozmawiałem wczoraj z Joanną, i ona mi powiedziała że muszę dać Mu czas bo znam Go tylko od tygodnia i napewno On nie jest jeszcze gotowy na to żeby otworzyć się do mnie kompletnie. Zgadzam się z tym. Ale to taka ciekawa rzecz – dzielimy się pięknymi słowami; dzielimy się oddychami; całujemy się… a jeszcze nie mamy takiego doskonalnego związku osobistego. Ale ja obiecałem już sobie i Jemu (w moich myślach) że będę Mu ufać i dam Mu szansę. Mam nadzieję że niedługo poznam Go lepiej, ale pozwolę Mu odkryć się kiedy Mu się tego chce. Ufam Mu bo jest warty tego…

On Things Lasting and Passing

2007-06-07T09:08:00.000-07:00

It's a lame excuse, but I literally haven't had time to think through some of the things that I want to understand better, hence the lack of new posts. I did, however, find a very interesting post on the Internet, and although I can't say that I agree with it completely, I found it worth translating and publishing here. So here it is...

On Things Lasting and Passing

Von M

My life has been going on for twenty-two years now, which is, regardless at how you look at it, not too many. I have been aware of my sexuality since approximately the age of seven, which is quite a chunk of time in my case… long enough to make a couple of crucial discoveries, to treat myself and others to a few spectacular comings-out, to watch and feel ideas shatter, and to end up on the therapist’s couch once in a while.

I have a feeling that I am somehow living in the middle of two worlds. One world is where the debates on legalizing gay partnerships and gay adoptions are raging; where people have values (that are, so to say, post-Christian, like love, dignity, sincerity, trust or stability); where aspirations exist and goals are achieved.

The other world is where one should not expect too much from a partner because that would be seen as a manifestation of egoism. In this second world people have finally “gotten a grip on reality” and have accepted the fact that love doesn’t last eternally – and so no one bothers to look for that eternity. Here you simply set up a date with someone and see what happens next; and intimacy isn’t something you nurture but something that either happens or doesn’t.

For the sake of brevity, let’s call the first world “romantic” or “neo-romantic” and the second world, “postmodern”.

No matter how hard I try to avoid judging which world is the better one and which attitudes are worth having, I nonetheless suspect that the above description shows that the thing that troubles me most is that it is so hard to find a long-term partner, God, even someone who is looking for a long-term partner. I haven’t the slightest clue as to why that is the case. The most evident reason, it seems, is that the world is simply progressing; the hierarchy of values is changing; the sexual revolution has made it possible to freely express one’s sexuality; there is no war or poverty – and so people can concentrate on themselves and their lust and fuck whoever they want, however they want and as much as they want. It’s more real that way. No lies, betrayals, false declarations, marriages, etc. Here is how a co-worker of mine summed up the ‘gay way of living’: “it’s not that gays have problems; they simply don’t want lasting relationships.”

But for God’s sake – I don’t know, maybe I’m not thinking straight here, but it seems to me that the popular culture has provided ample expressions of yearning for that great, romantic love. People continue to watch soap operas; song lyrics keep conveying the same message; and as for the ‘gay world’, even those guys whose sexual practices resemble those of rabbits seldom declare that they are fully satisfied with their lifestyle and they never think about being in a relationship. It’s as though the ideals have always been here but they have ceased to be something that people strive for – hence they’ve become mere dreams and fantasies.

It just so happened that for I've been single for about two years now. Before that, there was a guy for about a year; and before then, there was nothing. Yes, I’m a shy person, which definitely contributes to the current state of things. Other than that, however, I think I’m alright, and I do like myself. I can’t say I am not looking for anyone; quite the contrary – I’d absolutely love to go out on a date – nothing exceptional, maybe a restaurant or a brewery. The thing is though, that my notion of a “date” is something I borrowed from the somewhat old-fashioned “hetero-matrix,” and by which I mean the kind of get-together when one person gets to know another person, and then the date comes to an end, and then after one tad of happiness comes another, and the two persons are starting to get to know each other better, and then that ends, and then there is a random text message or something of that sort, and then something else, and then they meet again, etc. I swear, I haven’t been on a date like this in about a year, although I’ve been looking quite hard for a potential candidate (on the Internet, because I am a bit too shy to go to clubs by myself). Is it perhaps egoistic of me to expect a kind of date I just described to happen to me in our modern times?

If I could only convince myself that the world’s value system has indeed changed, that a new alternative method of satisfying the need for intimacy has been found, that I will be able to see my life as complete without any sort of attachment or without waiting for a relationship with a guy, then I wouldn’t be troubled. I’d tell myself that the ‘second world’ is much better and I would be able to live in peace. The problem is that the ‘first world’ seems to be a much better place for me. And even though I’m looking so hard, I’m not finding much of that first world in the reality of this life.

Original text: http://homiki.pl/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=168

2007-05-25T13:18:00.000-07:00

So I have decided to start a blog. I guess I am at a point in life when I really need to put much thought into who I am, who I was, and who I will be. Truth be told, I am not entirely clear about my "g" identity. Am I in denial? Is homosexuality wrong? What does it mean to be a gay man? Finding answers to these questions... that's what this blog is dedicated to.

a gman's story

Co to miłość?

On Things Lasting and Passing